days....hours...minutes....count them down. The more that go by, the farther I get away from him. The sooner I leave him. The more it bothers me. Thought I'd be fine, and I will be, but I want the goodbye to satisfy me. I want there actually to be one. It hit me the other yesterday. I remember crying about this event a year ago. Knowing it would come, but I get anxious after a week of not seeing him. Two weeks sets me to distraction. But i have to wait a full month before I can see him. I need him. I admit to even loving him....

God protect me.....

I miss the times of innocence. The times of childhood. When you could sit and watch the fireworks with whomever and it would still be magical. When, no matter what age or gender they would all be equally as special.

Now a new experience occurs. Age or loneliness- not sure which- tells you the magic lies in the company. Who's arms you lie in. Sharing the moment with someone special...someone to share the experience. And when they're not there, half of you is absent. Your mind wanders to the ache, the longing to feel there presence near you. The longing to see the reflection of the lights in their eyes as the lights flash. To hear there laugh and just enjoy there company. The feelings of the sentimental, the lonely, the ones in love.

Touch causes me to catch my breath sometimes. To long for more. Sometimes I don't feel anything. Why? Same hand.

Sometimes I can't go a day without thinking bout him twenty times....other times I can go a week without thinking of him. Why? Same company.

He's the most beautiful face I've ever seen....then another day it doesn't attract me at all. Why? Same smile.

Today I don't know. I have yet to see him. We will see where my fickleness leads me today. I think I want to see him very badly and he will be very desirable today. We shall see....

But one thing never seems to change. It's him. He is consistent. And I always love him. Love to see him smile....

Basically I hate time. I hate waiting. I wish I could fast forward. I know that half the fun of life is the experience of everything. But I've had enough waiting! Enough longing. Enough lessons in patience...Failed everyone and that's why I'm still at this place...But it doesn't hurt any less. Things I miss that I can never get back because of time...Because of restraints. There for a purpose....But damaging just the same...Unchanging....Exhausting.....

sooo...

the head throbs....the eyes tear up,....the mind runs a million miles an hour.

where am I going to get a cosigner so I can go to school. how am I going to figure out this unempolyment thing so I can actually pay my bills in order to go to school...

I wish he wouldn't pull things like this when I'm so stressed. this is when I need him most.

and the constant struggle to keep God in perspective. It's easy to trust him for the little things...they don't matter as much if he seemingly falls through. But this big stuff is hard to let go of....I want to do it all myself so that I can be sure it will done....my way. It's times like these I should be crying out to God with my concerns....but he didn't seem to listen before, so why should he now. Feels like...nope..once again it's on my shoulders to carry the load. I know this attitude it all wrong. It's a lie. But it's how I feel.

well I actually did it. I joined. But don't expect posts very often....I already barely ever use my myspace...and my xanga is even slowing up...